The older I get, the more I crave my youth. Yeah, part of it's the whole 'wish I knew then what I know now.' But most of it is I wish I am now who I was then. Not that I've changed much. I don't think I have, but ask my Portland friends when I see them next week. I just think I could do with a little more levity in my life. I want to take things less seriously, like I did yesteryear.

Growing up I always cared what people thought. Then, for an all too brief couple of years I lost that, didn't give a shit either way. And now I do care, but in a different way: an older, much more boring way.

I had a great night Saturday night. It was absolutely, completely random, but it reminded me of what I used to get up to younger ago. And the problem with having random nights like that is you can't try to have them or you're usually let down. But the specific incident I'm thinking about is driving from an afterhours event at a sushi restaurant that we didn't get to in time, to a house party. I don't really know the girl who was driving me, and I didn't know anyone who was at the house we were headed to. But driving down sahara headed to I don't know where, she starts rapping to the music that's playing on the car stereo. I'm not the biggest fan of rap or hip hop or whatever the kids are calling it nowadays, but it was actually pretty cool. And pretty hot, but that's another story. This story is about her telling me it's my turn, and my being to chickenshit to actually do it. I blabbered something about performance anxiety, being too shy and not drunk enough. Why? When did I lose the ability to consciously make an arse of myself? Of all the things I wish I could still do, that's the one I want the most.

Don't get me wrong, I do make an arse of myself. I unconsciously make an arse of myself all the time. Sometimes I'll play it off as deliberate and people buy it, but usually I'll be kicking myself in the privacy of my own head. But to set out and try something I'm probably not going to be any good at and do it anyway, I don't seem to be able to do that any more.

So if you do happen to see me doing something stupid, please call me on it. Promise I'll admit if it's deliberate or not. And if I say it is deliberate, then it's just me trying to capture a little of my misspent, missed youth, and should probably be encouraged.