The wonders of technology. I'm sitting outside, watching a tech/dress rehearsal of BNTA's production of 'The Foreigner,' by Larry Shue. On my laptop, using my phone to connect to the internet. There are burros braying in the background, and jackrabbits nibbling the grass behind me. The stars are slowly appearing above us, although with the laptop screen and lights on stage they aren't as visible as they would be. My bottle of Tempranillo is empty. There's a few more things to do to the set, but that's for tomorrow before our dress and invited audience final oh shit panic and scramble rehearsal.

They'll get done, they always do.

It amazes me how things somehow come together. Even after eighteen years of theatre, somehow it always ends up with an audience. My problem is, once the audience is involved, I lose interest. The fun part is over. And by fun, I mean stressful, frantic, frustrating, and tiring. But once the build up is over, I'm done. I don't know what to do with myself. There's something depressing about a theatre full of audience, because it's noisy, there's a tangible sense of expectation in the air, and inevitably some bugger isn't going to be happy. But we put on shows specifically to have an audience. There's no point in putting on a show if you're not planning on having an audience. They pay the bills.

Cos of all that, there's a quote from Shakespeare that's quite troubling to me. 'All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: They have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts.'

That's all well and good, unless your point of view is like me. There's no point in playing parts if you don't give a toss about the audience. But I feel like that's what I spend half my time doing just that. Right now I'm playing the part of pseudo-bohemian, off the wall and off the cuff, artistically and morally and sexually and financially challenged artist. I'm working on being a writer. I drink too much, but then I make sure everyone knows I drink too much, because that's what authors do. I don't get enough sleep because. . .fuck, I don't know, but then I make sure everyone knows about it.

Maybe the Shakespeare quote does actually work for me. Although I work in theatre, maybe the only audience I really care about is the world, the ones out there that didn't pay for tickets. I don't give a shit that they're forced to watch the show, or whether they enjoy it or not, but maybe I should think about enjoying the performance more.

It's a bigger high than performing ever was. And my co-stars are fascinating.